Perfect
by panicrocksxo
Summary: Kendall realizes that the one thing he believed was perfect was anything but. Sometimes you just need to learn how to move on.


**I got the inspiration for this from listening to the song Perfect by my favorite band, Dance Gavin Dance. The music as much as the words inspired me, so I highly recommend looking up the song on Youtube and listening to it. Of course, it's only a suggestion. Enjoy.**

Kendall didn't hear when Carlos asked him if he wanted to do something. Nowadays, he didn't really hear anything. None of their voices had any affect on him. They were just whispers hidden in the air, enough to make you notice but not enough to make you really listen.

"Kendall!" Carlos almost shouted, miraculously managing to make his friend look over at him, the hard, empty gaze penetrating him so deeply that it made him shiver. There were few things that made Carlos uneasy, and this was definitely one of them. Truly, nothing in the world could compare to the utter despair that was settled within the depths of those hazel eyes.

Bringing his tone down a few octaves, Carlos said tentatively, "Look man, I know the past month have been tough. I understand that you may not be completely over what happened. But…I have to be honest. This, your behavior, it's scaring me. A lot."

"Carlos, I'm fine," Kendall replied, a little too quickly for Carlos' liking. "I'm fine. Just…please."

The shorter brunette didn't even need to ask what Kendall meant. It was something he was used to be asked, something he was used to giving him.

Once Carlos had backed out of the bedroom, Kendall got up from his bed and locked the door, ensuring that nobody would re-enter. He turned and took a good, long look at his bedroom. The walls held so many memories. If they were to speak, Kendall was sure they'd retell every single moment with astonishing clarity, exactly the way he remembered it himself.

It had been like a dream, one of those pleasant dreams you don't remember entering but find yourself never wanting to leave.

* * *

><p>A couple of hours later, the apartment the boys shared was full of activity. Kendall could hear them rustling around the living room and kitchen, no doubt preparing for a night out since it was Saturday. It was what they always did, and while a month ago Kendall would have been ready to get out and have fun, all he could wonder was if James was planning on asking Jennifer, his new girlfriend. The one he had happily taken after Kendall and his relationship spiraled downward.<p>

Or perhaps after was the wrong word to use, because technically, James had cheated on Kendall with her for weeks before they had split up.

As much as he wanted to forget it, Kendall could never help but feel completely disgusted whenever he imagined James holding her hand, touching her, kissing her. He wasn't a hateful person, but the sharp, raw feeling of dislike filled his entire being when he saw James talking to her on the phone or walking out the door of their apartment to meet her. It was something so wildly distinct and shocking that it even surprised him when it happened.

Maybe it was just his jealousy, because truthfully, Kendall had considered James his for so long that to see him with anyone else made him feel robbed. Or maybe he was just hurt, because a wound like the one James had inflicted on him was something that could never heal, and on every occasion Kendall caught James' eye or saw him smiling, it was like someone poured acid into the wound.

However, Kendall knew the real reason this heartache had prolonged itself was because he never imagined James would do that to him. It's the feeling a child gets when they see their fathers cry. The feeling of seeing your hero fall right before your eyes. Like a cold bucket of water, it hits you and jolts you out of your blissful fantasy. Kendall had hung onto the fantasy for so long that when it was wretched out of his fingers, he broke. And he still wasn't fixed.

A quiet knock on his door shattered the silence. Kendall, who was laying down on his bed, didn't bother to say anything. "Kendall, it's me. Open up, please."

This was positively the last thing Kendall wanted right now. What made it even more horrible was that it was exactly what he wanted, too.

He slowly got up and unlocked the door, quickly turning around so that he wasn't immediately met with those hazel eyes.

James stepped inside and closed the door behind him. Kendall, meanwhile, hovered uncomfortably by his bedside, debating whether or not to resume his position on his bed again. But the idea just made even more memories come back. He realized the apartment was silent. He wondered if Carlos and Logan had left. Then he realized that he didn't care. Luckily, James spoke and interrupted his confused thought process.

"Are you okay?"

What an interesting question. "What do you mean?" Kendall asked, finally turning around to look at James and at once, thoroughly regretting it. Seeing James' soft brown hair and his beautiful eyes and body and everything standing just feet from him, Kendall felt his wounded heart sting.

"You've been cooped up in this room for so long," James explained, a concerned crease appearing in between his eyebrows. "You haven't been talking, or going out, or anything…. I'm worried about you."

"You're worried about me?" Kendall demanded, anger rising in his chest so suddenly he was thrown off. A second passed and he added quietly, "You didn't seem worried about me when you were cheating on me with your new girlfriend."

James sighed. "Kendall, it's been over a month…."

"Are you seriously saying that, James? I don't give a fuck if it's been over a month. You hurt me. I loved you and you hurt me. Horribly." Kendall bit the inside of his cheek, willing himself not to let the tears he felt blurring his vision come out. He couldn't…wouldn't let James see him fall apart. He hated feeling weak and inferior. It was just too bad that the one thing he needed the most in his life was the very thing that could make him feel his weakest.

"I know I hurt you," James began, taking a step toward Kendall. "I know I messed up. I'm sorry. I'm never going to be able to forgive myself for that, ever. But I still love you. I'll always love you Kendall."

"Then why did you do it?" Kendall shouted at him, the deep rooted question finally out in the open. "Why did you cheat on me? Was it something I did? It was, wasn't it? Clearly I screwed something up or you never would have done this. It's my fault, isn't it? Just tell me!"

"It isn't your fault. It was my mistake," James assured him, his voice tainted with sadness. "I'm sorry that it had to end like this. I didn't want it to."

Kendall couldn't believe the words that were coming out of James' mouth. "Then why did you let it, James? You could have stopped it. You could have been faithful to me, but you went ahead and slept with Jennifer. You lied to me. You could have rejected her when she came onto you. But I guess you didn't want to, huh?"

"Kendall, I-"

"No! I don't want to hear it anymore! You standing here in front of me is hard enough. But telling me that you love me when you clearly don't…. I can't do this, James. You may be able to continue without me, but I can't say the same about you." Kendall ran a hand through his hair desperately, finally yielding to the wave of pain and hatred. "But you know what hurts the most? The fact that, in my mind, there was nobody better in the world than you. I loved you. I love you." He sat down on the edge of his bed and looked up at James helplessly. "I feel like such a loser for admitting that even after you cheated on me, I still have feelings for you. But I can't help it, James."

"You're acting as though I just used you," James said, looking as though his feelings were hurt. "I didn't."

Time seemed to pass incredibly slowly. Kendall started at the brunette, not knowing what to say. Instead, he got up and took a few steps toward James. It was probably the worst thing he could have done at that point. He closed the space in between them and softly pressed his lips against James'.

He waited for James to respond like he used to when they were together, back when Kendall was convinced they'd be together forever. It was just like old times. James' soft lips against Kendall's, moving in sync with each other. But something was different. Disappointedly, Kendall realized he had been hoping for some trace of the live they had shared. He had wanted some clue that, hey, maybe James still really loves me like he says he does.

Kendall pulled back, biting his bottom lip slightly. "I'm sorry." He backed away from James' still form, taking care to turn away and wipe the single tear that trailed down his cheek. "Can you please leave?"

When James finally did, Kendall knew what he had to do.

* * *

><p>At around four in the morning, Carlos, Logan, and James arrived back in the apartment, exhausted from their night out. The confrontation with Kendall was still hovering in the back of James' mind, not leaving him until he had downed a couple of strong drinks. Those the alcohol had definitely numbed the guilt he had been feeling, it didn't remove the image of Kendall's face after he had kissed James. The bright, green eyes were dead, broken.<p>

"Is Kendall sleeping?" Carlos asked, looking apprehensively at the door that was Kendall's bedroom.

"I'll check," Logan offered, walking over to the door and opening it slowly. James watched anxiously, silently hoping that Kendall was indeed asleep. He didn't want to see him again. He wasn't sure how he could take seeing Kendall, knowing that the blonde still loved him after what he had done. There really was no excuse for it, but James childishly hoped that maybe he and Kendall could still be friends because it was true, he did still love Kendall. He just wasn't sure how.

James really, really liked Jennifer. There was something fearless about her that immediately appealed to him. She was determined, unafraid. Kendall was too, but Jennifer didn't think things through. She acted on a whim, taking what she wanted, when she wanted. That, along with her looks, James couldn't help but admire her.

So for weeks, James secretly saw Jennifer while still dating Kendall. In his gut, he knew it was wrong. But he couldn't help it. He would sneak away during the day and be with Jennifer, then spend the nights with Kendall…. He felt as though he had it all. But it was only a matter of time before things came crashing down.

"Guys, Kendall's not in his room."

"What? Then where could he be?" Carlos shot up from his chair and went to see for himself, as though he didn't believe Logan's announcement.

Logan glanced wearily at James and added, "H-he left this for you, James."

"For me?" James took the note, which was just a piece of paper folded in half with his name written in Kendall's messy handwriting on the front.

_James, __I know you don't feel the same way about me anymore. That's okay. In a way, this whole thing has taught me something. Before, I was willing to admit that what we had was perfect. It was something so unreal. In the end, it didn't work. Who are we kidding ourselves? Maybe it was just never meant to be. I'm stubborn, you know that. I wanted to believe that you still loved me. But now I realized that I can't win them all. I can't get what I want. The thing I most wanted is out of my reach, so I may as well start over. I can't be in the same atmosphere anymore. I need to get away, if only for a while. Tell Carlos and Logan that I'm sorry for leaving so suddenly. I just need to think. I'll be back. -Kendall_

When he finished reading the letter, James didn't know how to respond to the looks Logan and Carlos were giving him. He simply crumpled up the paper and threw it away.

**Thoughts?**


End file.
